It's Complicated
by scribblingblackquill
Summary: Jimmy is unsure of things, who he is, what he likes, who he likes. He knows he's different but hates the prospect of facing up to that, in his eyes it's disgusting, Thomas is disgusting, but perhaps that is just what he has forced himself to believe. Will progress to M in later chapters. Reviews please.
1. The Nighttime Visit

Thomas and Jimmy were chatting in the servants hall, only to be interrupted by O'Brien,

"Is that Latin? I should try it on Mr Carson, make up some points" she butted in.

"Never mind Latin I need a magic spell" said Jimmy, who then went off to bed.

O'Brien pulled out a seat opposite Thomas,

"He's a funny one isn't he" she remarked as Thomas deeply exhaled the smoke from his cigarette, "You can't pull the wool over my eyes, I know what's going on"

"Your quite wrong Miss O'Brien, he's a proper little ladies man"

"Oh, if that's how you want to play it."  
"What are you going on about?"  
"There's no need to bark. I only know what Alfred tells me."  
"Well, if he says Jimmy's interested in me he's lying."  
"Oh dear, was it supposed to be a secret?" she ended before sloping off to bed.

Thomas didn't know what to say, he was feeling relieved inside knowing that the feelings he had for Jimmy were mutual. He went upstairs, changed for bed and perched himself on the edge of his bed, his head a state of utter turmoil. If O'Brien was right then he and Jimmy could be together but he was also worried that O'Brien had got it wrong.

Blinded by love therefore unable to think rationally, he crossed the corridor to Jimmy's room. Inhaling deeply before he entered, closing the door softly behind himself. There was Jimmy in his bed, snoozing away peacefully looking beautiful, his curved lips full and pouted, the nostrils of his buttons nose twitching softly as he breathed, his face serene and calm, a few loose golden locks falling onto his forehead.

Thomas made his way over to the bed, sat on the side of it leant over him, cupping the side of his face tenderly, moving his face closer to Jimmy's and pressing his lips to the young footman's….the door swung open,

"I'm sorry to wake you Jimmy but I…Oh my God" came Alfred's voice as he stood in door way.

Jimmy sprung up abruptly, looking confused and angry,

"Get off…get the bloody hell of me, Alfred it's not what you think"

"Don't do that please. Alfred doesn't matter, no-one will believe a word he says, he's nothing" begged Thomas.

"What are you doing? Why are you in here?" shouted Jimmy,

"Because of what you said. Because of all there is between us" said Thomas, before trying the cup Jimmy's face.

Jimmy pushed Thomas' hands away,

"There's nothing between us except me fists if you don't get out" threatened Jimmy. "And if you tell anyone…" he shouted to Alfred despairing that people might think he was "like that".

"But what about the things you said?" asked Thomas, tears forming in his eyes.

"I said nothing except get out, go on get out Thomas" he said slamming the door as the valet left.

Jimmy felt angry there was no doubt about it but he felt something else too, he lay in bed sobbing, furious at himself, he'd known it was Thomas, he had smelt his delicious smoky, minty scent, he had felt his soft hand on his face, he knew Thomas was kissing him and yet he lay there and let him, Jimmy thanked his lucky stars that Alfred had come in when he did.


	2. A Heart That Ached

**Author's Note: Not sure if my writing is any good so would really appreciate reviews. Enjoy reading :)**

Thomas was utterly broken, Jimmy the man he had fallen in love with had just rejected him and been disgusted by his actions. His heart ached longing for love, his head numb and confused, he had thought Jimmy like him too, he was wrong, he was always wrong, Jimmy was repulsed by him and why wouldn't he be Thomas was foul in the eyes of most other human beings.

He sobbed himself to sleep; clutching the pillow wishing it was Jimmy he was holding on to.

Jimmy was also having difficulty sleeping; his hand on his cheek where Thomas' hand had been, his touch had been warm and nice but wrong. Jimmy wasn't like that, to be like that was disgusting,

"So warm and soft" Jimmy thought to himself before interrupting his own thoughts, "Shut up Jimmy, it's disgusting, he's disgusting and you're not the same as him" he reminded himself before falling into a light slumber

Jimmy was of course revolted by the whole incident or so he made out but it was Miss O'Brien who made him see truth,

Jimmy overheard her saying to Alfred,

"He has broken all the fundamental laws of God and man"

She was right, men didn't kiss other men, not real men anyway and Jimmy was a real man. She cornered him to speak on the incident,

"If you don't speak out, people might think you weren't disgusted at all"

O'Brien pushed him, she urged him to report Thomas to the police,

"You'll have to, if you don't want folk to think theirs something funny about you" her words echoed through his mind but he didn't want to take it that far, Thomas couldn't help being this way. He didn't want to people to think he was revolting but he knew Thomas didn't deserve prison for simply falling in love.

He decided to try and get him a bad reference instead; he chapped on Mr Carson's door,

"Come" was the deep voiced response from the butler,

"Mr Carson, is it true Mr Barrow is leaving?"

"Yes" replied Carson signalling Jimmy to close the door incase of any eavesdroppers particularly Miss O'Brien, "and for what it's worth I think he was genuinely mistaken over the err… incident and is sorry now, which of course is no excuse"

"I want to be sure you'll give him a bad reference" challenged Jimmy, this isn't what he wanted but O'Brien was right, others would think he liked Thomas in that way if he let the situation lie,

"I'm sorry?" questioned Carson, his brows knitted into a confused expression,

"I can't let a man like that, go to work in innocent people's houses"

"I will write him the character I think he deserves" replied Carson an annoyed tone to his deep voice,

"Can I read it?"

"Certainly not!"

"Coz I've been thinking..." he hesitated knowing his words that would follow were not what he wanted at all, "I ought to report him to the police"

"What?"

"It's my duty, I know today thinking is much more liberal" he said before being cut off,

"Ah just a minute, I've never been called a liberal in my life and I don't intend to start now, but I do not believe in scandal, Mr Barrow will go and when he does I would like him to go quietly for the sake of the house, the family and for that matter you"

"I'm sorry Mr Carson but I can't stay quiet if my conscience prompts me differently, I won't turn a blind eye to sin"

What was he saying? He had liked Thomas before all of this, he still did.

It was a relief to him when Thomas was allowed to stay on, he didn't let on to anybody about this of course, in fact he did an excellent job of pretending he hated Thomas being around. He and Alfred frequently picked on Thomas, wore him down, called him names, picked faults with his work, argued against his every word on a daily basis, Thomas was always down and alone.

"Me and Daisy are going to buy new dresses tomorrow for wearing over Christmas" said Ivy,

"You should take Mr Barrow, he's into stuff like that" said Jimmy as Thomas was stood at the opposite side of the servant's hall,

"Yeah he's a right pansy" sneered Alfred in disgust,

"Aye?" said Ivy in a confused tone,

"Mr Barrow here is as queer as a 3 pound note, isn't that right Alfred?"

"Oh aye, a disgusting queer" Alfred declared.

"What are you talking about? Queer?" Ivy asked.

"Thomas bats for the other side Ivy" Jimmy explained.

"In Cricket?" she asked naively.

"No. Say if he could kiss you or me, he'd choose me because he's foul" Jimmy said spitefully, watching Thomas squirm from the other side of the room, his eyes welling up.

"Oh, that's unusual" Ivy said sweetly.

"No Ivy it's not unusual it's repulsive, but he'll go to hell in the end, because even God hates him" said Alfred bitterly, as Thomas left looking down trodden.

Jimmy felt badly, he didn't know why he did it, he didn't like hurting Thomas' feeling but he felt he had to, to save himself form ridicule.


	3. Heart To Heart

Jimmy was outside one day collecting some logs for the fires, Thomas was outside for a fag, Jimmy took the axe and began chopping bits of wood making a real hash of it,

"You want to watch yourself there" came Thomas' authoritative Mancunian tones,

"I know what I'm doing" Jimmy insisted, his usual scowl since the incident present on his beautiful face.

"I'm just saying, you'll have your bloody fingers off in a minute" joked Thomas,

"Why do you care about me? We're not even friends"

"When you love someone you can't help but care for them"

"Well I don't love you back" Jimmy spat,

"No of course not but I can't just turn those feelings off"

"Sorry" Jimmy said embarrassed.

"No I'm sorry; now pass me that axe before you're unable to play the piano for the rest of you life" Thomas said sarcastically.

Jimmy handed it over obediently and watched Thomas lean fingers wrapped round the axe handle, reminding Jimmy of a dream he had had, where Alfred never came in that night and things progressed, he blushed scarlet.

"You ok Jimmy? You're a bit err… red" said Thomas.

"I'm just hot…from chopping logs" Jimmy quickly defended.

Thomas nodded and Jimmy resumed watching his skilled hands and strong arms chopping the logs with ease, Alfred was wrong about Thomas, he wasn't a pansy, he was a lot manlier than most men he'd known.

Around the others Jimmy continued being horrid to Thomas, this annoyed Anna who had grown fond of Thomas over the years, she knew of the incident of course and had been one of the ones too defend him. That night her and Jimmy were sat in the servants hall alone, Jimmy reading the paper, Anna sewing some new buttons onto one of Lady Mary's many dresses,

"Jimmy, could I have a word?"

"Yes, what is it?"

"It's about Mr Barrow, he's awfully down lately"

"Maybe he shouldn't go round kissing men in their sleep then"

"No you're probably right, he shouldn't have done that but everyone knows you were disgusted by it and know you're into women, so why not just move on from it"

"I never said I liked girls" Jimmy said solemnly, he trusted Anna and knew she wouldn't breathe a word.

"Sorry I just assumed"

"No... I don't know what I like, who I like" he stresses. "I'm very confused"

"I can see, I know you didn't want Mr Barrow to kiss you but if you don't like girls then why were you so disgusted by it"  
"I never said I didn't want Thomas to kiss me, I just didn't want him to do it while I was sleeping"

"Oh so you do like him? Why do be so awful to him them?"

"Just because I like him too doesn't mean I want to be with him, I'm stronger than that he's weak for letting it rule him"

"Jimmy you can't say that, he doesn't choose to be in love with you"

"No Anna and I don't choose to like him, but I choose to ignore those feelings because their wrong"

"You must tell him, he's broken hearted, he thinks you hate him"

"I could never hate him, I just don't want to be…that way" he said while tears rolled softly down his face,

"Oh Jimmy" Anna said sympathetically "I doubt Thomas does either". She pulled him into a hug.

"You mustn't tell anyone Anna…please don't mention this to Thomas"

"Of course not but perhaps you should"

"No I couldn't, not ever, he would never forgive me"

"I'm sure he would"

"No Anna, I'm not want him to know anyway"

"But who you are"

"Can't be just let me be Jimmy, isn't that enough"

"Of course it is but I don't understand what you're so afraid of, Thomas is a good man"

"I know that but Anna there is so much to be afraid of; it's illegal, its against God, its disgusting, its abnormal and the worst thing of all is I don't know who I really am, I've never been with anyone so I don't know the difference, not really, its like when I'm around girls there's no spark, just a numbness inside of me"

"Don't say its disgusting, I don't think it is, I've known Thomas for over 10 years and I've known about him all along and it doesn't make me think of him any differently"

"Well I'm not like him…not really"

"Have it your own way Jimmy, I'm off to bed"

Jimmy sat mulling over things, the kiss had disgusted he was sure of it but Anna was right, he was just like Thomas, he just wished he could tell the under-butler how he really felt but the truth was he wasn't sure of his feelings himself.


	4. Cut Throat Kiss

**Author's note: Thanks for your reviews, please continue to review, it is much appreciated.**

The next day at breakfast Carson began assigning duties for the day,

"James you will polish silver today" he ordered.

"Why can't Alfred do it?"

"Because I have asked you" bellowed Carson

"Yes Mr Carson"  
"Alfred you will polish all of his Lordship's shoes"

Jimmy smirked as Alfred sighed "yes Mr Carson".

Later on Alfred and Jimmy were sat at the table polishing and Thomas who had nothing better to do, offered his help, he pulled out a chair, sat and picked up a cloth, his hand accidently brushing against Jimmy's hand, making Jimmy's stomach flip.

"He doesn't need your help, do you Jimmy?" sneered Alfred.

"Alfred just leave it" said Jimmy,

"No I won't, nobody wants your filthy hands on the silver, you dirty queer"

"Why are you so interested in my personal life Alfred, anyone would think you were interested in me" Thomas retorted.

"Don't you dare say that to me. No one would ever be interested in you Barrow; you haven't even got any mates. Move away from us, we don't want to catch your filthy disease"

"Alfred it's not contagious for God's sake" said Jimmy, who was embarrassed at Alfred's behaviour towards Thomas.

"I don't care I don't want him in here" said Alfred standing up to intimidate Thomas. "Now fuck off, you disgusting faggot" he threatened hovering over Thomas.

"No" Thomas protested.

Alfred spat at him, the spittle landing on Thomas' cheek,

"Why are you even here? You'd be better of dead everyone hates you especially Jimmy so leave him alone"

Thomas ran off upstairs, evident tears in his eyes,

"What did you do that for aye Alfred? Why can't you just leave him? You make things worse" said Jimmy running up the stairs to go and apologise to Thomas.

He reached the corridor and the door labelled Thomas, knocking lightly,

"Mr Barrow" Jimmy said softly with a hint of concern. He opened the door and found Thomas slumped on thee ground, his back against the wall, hugging his legs close. He was crying.

"Is it true Jimmy? Do you really hate me?" asked Thomas,

"No Mr Barrow, I don't" answered Jimmy, crouching to Thomas' level, their faces direct with each other.

"I don't ask to be this way, you know and I'm sorry about what I did, but please just let me move on"

Jimmy couldn't take his eyes off Thomas' handsome face, the structured cheek bones, the piercing slate blue eyes and the plump tear stained lips that looked so kissable.

Jimmy placed his hands on Thomas' legs, then moved one hand to tilt Thomas' chin up,

"I know you don't" Jimmy whispered, leaning in and brushing his lips softly against Thomas', his lips were so soft and Jimmy wanted to kiss him but he then realised his error pulling back and jumping up "I'm so sorry"

Thomas stood up and attempted to take Jimmy's hands in his own,

"Don't touch me Thomas, please, just stay away from me, do you understand. I'm not like you"

Thomas nodded solemnly, knowing his place, which was as an unequal to the majority of society, a nobody, scum.

"I'm sorry Mr Barrow" said Jimmy before leaving Thomas' room, slamming the door behind him.

Thomas collapsed face first onto his bed and sobbed into his pillow, wishing he was normal. Jimmy was furious with himself for giving into his immoral feelings, he ran to the washroom, feeling dirty, removing all his clothes and scrubbing his body clean as if to wash away his sinful thoughts. His hand brushed against his penis as he was washing, he was slightly hard and couldn't help but take himself in hand, he imagined it was Thomas' hand caressing the delicate skin, he pictured Thomas all the way through it before coming into his hand and falling into a heap on the floor, sobbing hysterically about the freak that he was. He was so angry for pleasuring himself in this way whilst imagining another man being his reliever.

He took the cut throat razor from the side and brought it to his wrist, before holding it against the skin and pulling it across until he drew blood.

It was a relief to him; he knew he deserved to be punished for being this way, for seeing other men in this way. The pain was sharp but almost bearable, the blood was trickling out and he panicked, grabbing his sock to wrap round it, it lessened the flow of blood and Jimmy then got back into his livery and headed downstairs.

"Where've you been?" asked Alfred,

"Needed a rest"

Alfred nodded and they continued polishing in silence.


	5. Trip To Thirsk

**Author's note: Hope you all enjoy this chapter and hopefully review as it means a lot :)**

Jimmy felt thoroughly embarrassed the next day, every time Thomas even glanced at him he blushed bright red and turned away. Anna picked up on this giving him quizzing looks throughout the day,

"Jimmy can I have a word?" she asked when she saw him on the corridor.

"Erm…yes" he said unsure of why she wanted to talk to him,

"What's the matter with you today, are you ill?"

"Why would you think that?"

"You look terribly flushed, particularly when Mr Barrow's around"

"I'm fine" he insisted,

"Really? Has something happened between you two finally?" she asked, a hopeful tone in her voice,

"No, it most certainly has not, and never will" he snapped.

"Well you're acting terribly strange"

"What of it? I can act how I choose"

"Very well, I best be getting on, by the way Mr Carson was looking for you"

Jimmy nodded and went to find Carson,

"You wanted to see me Mr Carson?" he asked.

"Yes, I'm sending you into Thirsk to get me some items"  
"Yes Mr Carson"

"Mr Barrow needs to go into town anyway so will accompany you to keep you right"

"Yes Mr Carson" his stomach dropped and flipped in one, he was nervous about being alone with Thomas but also quite excited at the prospect of spending time alone with the handsome under-butler.

"You can go now, Alfred and I will do the luncheon, there's only his lordship and her ladyship"

"Very good"

"Get changed first" the butler barked, handing Jimmy the list of items needed as he did so.

Jimmy nodded and went and changed into his normal clothes, meeting Thomas on his way back downstairs,

"I gather you're coming with me to Thirsk James" said Thomas,

"I am yes" replied Jimmy, not daring to look at Thomas for fear of blushing.

"Let's be off then"

They got to Thirsk about half an hour later,

"I like Thirsk, there's so many more shops here than in the village"

"Yes I guess" Jimmy mumbled,

"James you don't have to be off with me, I'm not going to tell anyone about yesterday, don't worry"

"Thanks" he muttered in response,  
"Now then what do you need to get for Carson?"

"Shoe polish, silver polish, cloths, white candles, matches, some new napkins, salt, pepper and some ginger for Mrs Patmore" Jimmy listed,

"He doesn't want much does he?"

Jimmy smirked; he found Thomas sarcasm amusing.

They purchased all the items from the list in no time,

"Is there anything you need Jimmy err James?"

"You can call me Jimmy, its fine. Not sure I really need anything"

"Come on then, I need some ciggies and cologne"

Jimmy followed Thomas; they bought the cigarettes then headed to a fragrance store,

"This one's nice Thomas, I mean Mr Barrow" suggested Jimmy blushing,

"Yes it is rather, I think I'll get that, good choice" replied Thomas, surprised at Jimmy not being difficult with him as he usually was, Jimmy blushed further for Thomas praising him on his good taste. Jimmy knew Thomas would be even more irresistible in his new cologne, his old one had smelled great too, Jimmy took note of it the night of the one sided kiss.

Thomas paid and they left the shop, the under butler lighting up,

"Want one?"

"No thank you. I'm so hungry" Jimmy stated, watching Thomas as he puffed away on his cigarette, his cheeks hollowing with each inhale.

"Me too, we'll go and get some luncheon, everyone'll have eaten at Downton, we could go to a café" Thomas suggested,

Jimmy mumbled awkwardly "That'd be nice",

Thomas led them to a small corner café on the back street. They sat next to the window, upstairs and ordered their dinner,

"Can I take your order" asked the waiter politely,

"Can I have tomato soup please" asked Thomas,

"Certainly sir and too drink?"

"A pint of beer, thankyou"

The waiter nodded before turning to Jimmy,

"And you young man?"

"I'll have a steak and ale pie and a pint of Guinness please" responded Jimmy

The waiter left them; Jimmy was blushing as Thomas sat opposite

"Jimmy are you ok? You don't look well"

"It's hot in here", Jimmy got flustered and began rolling up his sleeves in a hurry,

"Jimmy why've you got a sock tied round your wrist"

"It's nothing" the footman insisted,

"Let me see" said Thomas, reaching for his wrist and untying the sock, his smooth alabaster skin against Jimmy's. "Oh my God Jimmy, how did this happen?" said Thomas his hand still holding Jimmy's wrist,

"Don't know, must've caught it on something"

Thomas looked puzzled; his touch sending sparks through Jimmy's veins, Jimmy snatched his hand away,

"Come to my room tonight, I'll dress it for you. A sock, for God's sake" Thomas laughed to himself,

"Sorry Dr Barrow" retorted Jimmy, them both smiling,

"You know Jimmy, that's the first time I've seen you smile in ages, see I'm not that awful to be around, am I?"

"No Mr Barrow you're not, I'm very sorry about the way Alfred and I have treated you and I know that you like me but I can never give you what you want, for me that's wrong"

"I understand Jimmy; I'd like us to be friends though. It's difficult always being on your own"

"Well I suppose I could manage that" said Jimmy softly,

Thomas smiled "I'll get this" he said, referring to the dinner,

"Thank you very much Mr Barrow" said Jimmy sincerely.

That night after they were finished their work for the night Jimmy remembered about his arm, he went across to Thomas' room,

"Mr Barrow, you said about my arm"

"Oh yeah come in and I'll have a look"

Jimmy sat gingerly on Thomas' bed while Thomas rummaged through his drawer to find his first aid kit. He found it and took hold of Jimmy's wrist, he wiped at the deep wound with alcohol, Jimmy wincing slightly,

"It's ok Jimmy" said Thomas softly, he continued and then bandaged the wrist neatly, Jimmy watching intently gazing at the soft finger wrapped round his wrist, Jimmy couldn't resist and took Thomas' hand in his own,

"You promise you won't tell anyone about what happened yesterday"

"Yes Jimmy I promise" answered Thomas, staring at the hand around his own, not responding to the touch in case it was another false alarm,

"Good" said Jimmy, dropping Thomas' hand from his own, "I wouldn't want people thinking I was…you know…like that"

"Do you think I want people to think I'm like that?" Thomas asked in a sarcastic and annoyed tone, "I don't choose to be the way I am"

"I know you don't, none of us do" said Jimmy solemnly, staring at the floor avoiding eye contact, "Thanks for seeing to my arm, I've got to go bed, night" said Jimmy unable to get away fast enough, he climbed into his own bed and sobbed, when he fell asleep the nightmares came, his uncle standing over him as a child "faggot, puff, queer" chanting it over and over. Thomas struggled to sleep too, the confusion controlling his brain, why couldn't Jimmy just leave him to get over him or be with him, why did he have to flit with his emotions like a fickle child with their toys, if Jimmy was like him why couldn't he just tell him.


	6. Drunken Desire

**Author's note: Hope you are all still enjoying this story, please continue to review, thanks :)**

The next day Jimmy had reverted to being awkward around Thomas again which was something the observant under butler picked up on. He also was flirting tirelessly with Ivy anytime Thomas was around as if to prove to Thomas he wasn't the same as him.

"Phwoar Ivy, your looking fine today"  
"Oh Jimmy, your so cheeky, I like it though" giggled Ivy,

Thomas screwed his face up in distaste at Jimmy's attempts at flirting, Thomas was the master of flirting and could certainly have taught Jimmy a few tips, Thomas took his attention away from the young footman and went back to his newspaper and cup of tea. Whilst he was flirting with Ivy, Jimmy couldn't help but keep glancing over at Thomas, revelling in observing the older mans handsomely, striking features, the sun that shined through the window, dancing on his ivory skin and accentuating his prominent cheekbones and illuminating his ocean coloured eyes, he was beautiful and Jimmy stood wondering, "would it be so bad to kiss him?". Ivy's sweet voice interrupted his thoughts, "Daisy should go out with Alfred, shouldn't she Jimmy?"

"Yes, go on Daisy put him out of his misery aye, anyway Ivy I best be going, it's my night off" replied Jimmy. He had no plans for his night off so he went to his room to mull over things in his head, he didn't know who he was, he knew that he felt some attraction for Thomas but he also knew he had been raised to believe that those sort of feelings were unnatural and wrong, he thought of his uncle who beat seven shades out of him when he was young for being interested in dance or loosing in a fight, he thought of the unpleasant names his uncle called him, he thought of when his father died and his uncle moved in and used to drag him out of bed at 2 in the morning and beat him to a pulp because he was tired and weak. His uncle had no definite proof Jimmy was that way he just enjoyed taunting him or it but then he thought of Thomas, who also had the afternoon off and was probably sat reading Oscar Wilde on his bed at this moment in time and then he thought, "fuck it, what have I got to loose?". He walked across to Thomas' door, knocking softly before he entered; Thomas looked up from his book and smiled,

"Hello Jimmy"

"Thomas I was wondering if you would like to go to the pub with me for a few hours?"

"Certainly, thank you Jimmy"

"What for?"

"Asking me"

"It's nothing, lets' go then"  
"I'll just get some money"

Jimmy couldn't help but check Thomas out as he bent down to pick up his wallet from a box underneath his bed.

They walked to the pub, Jimmy striding a few metres ahead,

"You don't have to walk apart from me Jimmy, I'm not going to pounce on you" said Thomas half jokingly half offended,

"_I wish you would_" Jimmy thought to himself. "No I know you're not, I'm sorry Thomas"

"It's alright"

They soon reached The Grantham Arms, they walked through the door and Thomas went to the bar while Jimmy saved them a table, Thomas returned not long after with the drinks, sitting down opposite Jimmy,

"So how's things Thomas?" asked Jimmy,

"Fine thank you and yourself"

"I'm fine too. Are you wearing your new cologne?"

"I am as it happens"

"Smells great" said Jimmy kindly, a flirty hint to his voice that Thomas brushed off.

"Jimmy you don't have to be nice to me you know, it's ok"

"Hey we're friends aren't we?"

"Well if we're friends, why don't you tell me what really happened to your wrist aye?"

"I can't, you wouldn't understand"

"Try me, if you can understand why I'm like this then I'm sure I can understand how a cut got on your arm"

"Ok…well I was angry at myself…so I cut my arm open, with a razor"

"Why?"

"I can't explain, can we just leave it, it'll be better soon anyway thanks to your medic skills"

"Have it your own way" said Thomas,

They sat chatting for a few hours, consuming pint after pint of ale, it was 12:30,

"Come on Jimmy, we best get back or we'll never wake in the morning" said Thomas sensibly even though slightly drunk,

"Ok" answered Jimmy obediently,

They set off walking, no sooner had they set off Jimmy stumbled off the pavement when a car was about to come speeding past, Thomas panicked and grabbed Jimmy by the hand out of the way of the oncoming car,

"You saved me Thomas" Jimmy said in a tipsy but serious tone,

"Come on you, let's get you back" said Thomas, turning down the alleyway the led through the village. Jimmy stopped in his tracks,

"Come on Jimmy"

"No Thomas wait" ordered Jimmy approaching him slowly, "I can't do this anymore"

"What?"

"Deny this…" said Jimmy pushing Thomas against the wall and placing one hand on the side of Thomas' face, the other on his hip, Thomas looked at Jimmy,

"Jimmy, does this mean…"

"Sshhh" said Jimmy, "I'm not sure what it means"

He moved his face slowly closer to Thomas' his eyes flicking from Thomas' own to his plump ruby red lips, Thomas' hands falling softly onto Jimmy's lean waist, Jimmy then rested his forehead against Thomas' and they both waited in anticipation for their lips to find each other which was inevitable and when they did the kiss was everything Jimmy could've hoped for and more and for Thomas it was everything he dreamed of. Their lips caressed each other softly, Thomas recognizing Jimmy's inexperience found it very endearing, Thomas' tongue prodded gently at Jimmy's lower lip encouraging him to open his mouth and allowing the tongues' to snake round each other and dance in one another's mouths. They pulled back from the kiss and Jimmy said sweetly,

"I think I like you, Mr Barrow"


	7. Fresh In His Memory

**Author's note: Sorry if this chapter is a little depressing and slow but I hope you enjoy it anyway. Thanks for reading :)**

The next morning Thomas was awoken early in the morning by a soft knock on his door, the door opened slowly as Jimmy emerged through it, Thomas at up bleary eyed and fuzzy headed remembering that he and Jimmy had kissed last night.

"Morning Mr Barrow" said Jimmy, closing the door,

"Morning Jimmy"

"I just came to say that I'm sorry…about last night, I shouldn't have…you know? Kissed you"

"No you should have, I'm pleased you did"

"No Mr Barrow, I'm not ok with this, I'm not sure about who I am" he said in a state of distress,

"Then let me help you find out" Thomas said lovingly,

Jimmy blushed at the love struck older mans comment "I'm sorry Mr Barrow, really I am, but I think we should just be friends, I could never give you what you want"

Thomas was gutted but could see how uncomfortable Jimmy was, he loved Jimmy and he never wanted to make him feel uncomfortable with anything, "I understand that Jimmy and I would love us to be friends"

"Me too Mr Barrow, well I best be going back to my own room, and thank you"

"What for?"

"Being so understanding"

Thomas smiled at Jimmy and then slid under the covers as he left and sobbed himself back to sleep.

Jimmy felt awful when he climbed back into his own bed, his body craved the thought of climbing in with Thomas and giving himself to him but his head was constantly filled with homophobic taunts that were threw at him through childhood by his horrid uncle. He used to go and stay at his uncle's a lot because he had many cousins and his father thought it better than being home alone all the time, his father was a sailor so often went away with work and what with his mother being dead it got lonely. His mind flashed back to the night his uncle caught him and his cousin Bobby dancing together, they were only 11 at the time and Jimmy remembered it vividly,

"Shall we dance Jimmy?"

"Aye?"

"I like dancing, you do too, put the gramophone on and we'll dance" Bobby said cheerfully,

Jimmy did as he was told and Bobby took Jimmy hands and they moved closer together, shuffling their feet in time to the tune, they were lost in the music when Bobby stroked his hand softly down Jimmy's cheek staring lovingly into his eyes, "you won't tell anyone will you Jimmy?",

"Tell them what?"

"I like you"

"Oh" said Jimmy, they continued dancing, the door to the living room bursting open,

"What the fuck is going on here?" came his uncles gruff gravely voice,

"Nothing Dad" said Bobby, scurrying off his head down,

"Jimmy get up those fucking stairs, NOW!" his uncle shouted making Jimmy jump and sending fear all through his body, Jimmy ran up the stairs his legs shaking as he did so, he collapsed face first onto his bed, he could hear the thudding footsteps of his stout uncle plodding up the stairs after him, his uncle came and hovered over him, his breath sending shudders down Jimmy's spine, he unbuckled his belt, pulled up Jimmy's t-shirt revealing his bare back, removed his belt form the loopholes and lashed the flawless skin, several times, laughing as the young boy winced and writhed in agony, the thick black leather breaking the skin and drawing blood,

"You deserve this Jimmy and you know it don't you?"

"Yes uncle" Jimmy sobbed.

"And why did you deserve it?"

"Because bad people must be punished" Jimmy recited his uncle's phrase that had been drilled into him. Jimmy's uncle dragged him to sit up and face him; Jimmy stared at the mattress,

"That's right and your bad because you're a dirty little faggot that needs to keep his hands off my boys, look at me boy, fucking look at me when I'm talking to you" and then came the fist, his uncle socked him hard across the cheekbone and under his eye, Jimmy let out a scream,

"Shh" said his uncle placing his hand over Jimmy's mouth, "lie down Jimmy, I'll read you a book". His uncle reached for the bible and turned to the pages where he had folded the corners over, he listed the many quotes against homosexuality,

Lev 18:22-23 "You shall not lie with a male as one lies with a female; it is an abomination."

Lev 20:13 "If there is a man who lies with a male as those who lie with a woman, both of them have committed a detestable act; they shall surely be put to death."

1 Cor 6:9 "Or do you not know that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals"

1 Tim 1:9-10 "realizing the fact that law is not made for a righteous man, but for those who are lawless and rebellious, for the ungodly and sinners, for the unholy and profane, for those who kill their fathers or mothers, for murderers and immoral men and homosexuals and kidnappers and liars and perjurers"

The second quote was his uncle's favorite; he repeated it over and over to Jimmy,

If there is a man who lies with a male as those who lie with a woman, both of them have committed a detestable act; they shall surely be put to death." Louder and louder each time, spit flying from his mouth, a dangerous look in his eyes. Jimmy had no idea at the time why his uncle seemed to think he was a homosexual, he had done nothing to suggest so, Jimmy supposed it was just his uncle's way of getting him down, his uncle was right though, Jimmy knew that two men could never be together, it was wrong and ungodly and no matter how much Jimmy desired Thomas he knew he couldn't be with him in that way, after all he didn't want to be known as an abomination. The memory seamed so fresh, he remembered the pain of the beating and his back stung and his cheekbone ached. He sobbed and sobbed and by the time he finally began to drift off, it was time to get up.

**AN: Review please :)**


	8. The Bastard Is Back

**Author's Note: Sorry this paragraph is a bit short however the next one will probably be longer :)**

"What's matter with you, you look as though you haven't slept a wink" asked Thomas in a concerned tone, as he and Jimmy were walking down to breakfast,

"I'm fine" insisted Jimmy,

"Well, if you say so" replied Thomas,

"I do"

At the breakfast table Thomas was put into a bad mood when Mr Carson revealed that the Duke of Crowborough was arriving tomorrow, Thomas face dropped,

"What's he coming for?" Thomas asked in an insolent tone,

"I beg your pardon" asked Carson,

"What is he coming for?" Thomas repeated,

"That is none of your business Mr Barrow" said Mr Carson, putting Thomas in his place, who then went outside for a fag, Jimmy watched him as he left, longing to join him. Jimmy infuriated himself so much, he knew he wanted Thomas but he just couldn't let himself do that, Thomas loved Jimmy but for Jimmy it was just a lust, a want, a deep desire that had been buried inside him all his life and was now crying out to be given in, however he hated the thought of giving false hope of any love because Jimmy wasn't sure it was love he felt for Thomas, how could it be, men couldn't love men, not in the way Jimmy thought of Thomas. He just couldn't picture it, two men in a relationship; perhaps because of all the things his uncle had told him growing up but he realised it must be a pleasant experience to be with another man if Thomas continued with this way of life rather than just being alone. His uncle had always drummed into him how important it was to be a proper man and sire a large brood of children but as of yet he hadn't met a woman that he wanted to do that with. No-one he had ever known had made him feel as many emotions as Thomas had and yet Jimmy was too selfish to tell the down trodden under butler.

The next day the Duke of Crowborough arrived, the staff all stood to attention in a black and white line outside of the Abbey, the family bundled together near the doors. The Duke stepped out of his car, Thomas observed how in 8 years the man had barely changed in appearance he was still as handsome and smug about it as in 1912.

"Pompous bastard" thought Jimmy to himself as he also watched the Duke, knowing nothing of Thomas' previous dalliances with the man.

Thomas tuned his ears in to try to glean information as to why the Duke was here,

"Lord Grantham, good to see you again, good good good"

"Hello Duke I hope you are well, I'm sorry to hear about your mother, wonderful woman"

"His mum's snuffed it and he wants some attention so he's come here. Arsehole" Thomas mused still bitter about the Duke after the way he had been treated by him,

"I'm afraid that once again I do not have my man with me, he was taken ill just before we left home"

"Is that right?" thought Thomas "sound very familiar"

"Carson, can we spare the Duke a footman?"  
"James, as first footman you will act as his valet for the duration of his stay" ordered Carson,

"Yes Mr Carson" said Jimmy, looking over very smugly at Alfred,

"Oh yes, you'll do quite nicely" said the Duke in a slightly lecherous way, Thomas could've smacked, least he had nothing to worry about, Jimmy wouldn't go near him not a chance because even if he does like men he won't let himself be with them.

After they went back inside the house Jimmy asked Thomas to show him the basic ropes to being a valet, he already knew, he just wanted to spend a little time with Thomas.

**Review Please :)**


	9. Devilish Dalliance

**Author's note: Hope you are all still enjoying the story, please continue to review :)**

Jimmy fell asleep that night thinking of the time he and Thomas had spent together that day, he realised how good Thomas was to him and in some ways could feel himself softening towards the idea of being with Thomas. The under butler was a wonderful man, he cared for and loved Jimmy, he defended Jimmy, he made Jimmy laugh and he made him smile, he also made him hurt inside knowing that they weren't together but Jimmy assumed whatever pain he felt Thomas felt it on a much grander scale, he was in love with Jimmy and Jimmy had broken his heart twice or maybe more. He wondered how Thomas felt at nights, only his thoughts for company,

"It must drive him mad" Jimmy mused as he knew the feeling himself.

Jimmy was dressing the Duke for dinner the next night and he felt deeply uncomfortable,

"So then James, what do you think of Mr Barrow?"

"Nice I suppose"

"Nice? I never remember his as being nice"

"You know Mr Barrow?"

"I knew Mr Barrow" the Duke stated, looking over Jimmy to try and work him out,

"Oh" was Jimmy's response feeling uncomfortable under the Duke's inquisitive stare,

"Do you like Mr Barrow?" he said a knowing expression on his face,

"Yes we're good friends"

"No, I mean do you like him in another way?"

"No, he likes me though or he did anyway" Jimmy blurted out.

The Duke could sense that Jimmy fancied Thomas and his next reaction confirmed it,

"Thomas and I were lovers" The Duke said unashamedly,

Jimmy looked as though his blood was bubbling away beneath the surface close to boiling point, he was jealous,

"Are you ok James? Maybe I can make you feel better" said the Duke, stroking his hand softly down Jimmy's cheek,

"Get off, if I won't let Mr Barrow touch me like that then why would I let you"

"Because I am so much more handsome than Mr Barrow"

"You are not, he's worth ten of you" Jimmy defended,

"I'll ask you once again, do you like Mr Barrow?"

"No" insisted Jimmy,

"Then you wont mind if I reignite mine and his passion for one another" he emphasized the word "passion" making Jimmy cringe, it sounded as though he wanted Thomas for one thing and one thing only.

"You best get down to dinner now your Grace" said Jimmy. The Duke made his way downstairs as Jimmy stood in the corridor, tears forming in his eyes, he broke down in tears. Anna came along the corridor carrying a pile of white sheets; Jimmy had not noticed her presence and turned round in a hurry knocking the sheets to the floor,

"Oh I'm sorry, I didn't see you there?"

"Penny for your thoughts?"

"There worth a damn site more than that thank you" he said tears staining his cheeks,

"Whatever's the matter Jimmy? Is it Mr Barrow?"

"What? No…oh I don't know Anna, I really don't"

"Come here you daft noodle" she said softly, pulling him close. They then picked up the sheets and carried on with their duties.

After dinner, the Duke went upstairs, he saw Thomas strolling the corridor looking as handsome as ever, Anna was at the opposite end. The Duke approached her,

"Excuse but when you get the chance, you might tell that footman I've gone up"

"You mean James, your grace"

"Yes James" he replied, with a false smile in place. Anna nodded, the Duke then walked at a brisk pace to catch up with Thomas,

"Ah Thomas, it's been to long"

"If you say so your grace"

"I do, I'm terribly sorry but I seem to have lost my way, you couldn't show me to my room could you?"

"Certainly your grace" said Thomas, putting on his professional front,

They walked down the corridor, the Duke attempting to walk by Thomas' side but failing as Thomas strode slightly ahead. They reached the duke's bedroom door,

"Come in Thomas we'll have a catch up"

"No thank you"

"Come in or I will tell Mr Carson you have been inappropriate with me, he will not believe you over the words of a Duke" demanded the Duke,

"Yes your grace" Thomas obeyed; he wasn't prepared for his job to hang in the balance a second time in a year. He shut the door behind them; the duke was staring at him, undressing him with his eyes.

"You look ravishing, my darling"

"If you say so"

"Oh come on Thomas, lighten up on me. We were good together once" the duke said, moving closer to Thomas, taking hold of his lapels, before pressing his mouth to Thomas' in a desperate reunion of passion, much to his surprise Thomas kissed back, moving his lips in time with the duke's. The Duke began running his hands down Thomas front, untucking his shirt, and trailing his hand teasingly along the bare skin above the waistband of Thomas' trouser. Thomas gave in to the sensual touch

"I deserve this, I need this, why shouldn't I get to feel loved" Thomas thought to himself.

The Duke guided Thomas over to the bed, removing his shirt and tugging down his trousers and underwear before turning him round, pushing him to lean on the bed, he then fumbled with his own trousers, removing them completely,

"I thought it was me that usually did the undressing" quipped Thomas referring to when he acted as valet for the Duke on past occasions.

The Duke laughed before regaining his concentration, he was rock hard and needed Thomas around him like never before, he grabbed some expensive looking oil from the side and lathered up Thomas' entrance and his own length before inserting the tip of his penis into Thomas earning a satisfied grunt. Thomas knew it shouldn't be like this, that the only man he wanted this with was Jimmy but he had to face facts Jimmy didn't want him and having somebody is better than no one at all. He imagined it was Jimmy who was sucking hungrily at the skin of his upper back and caressing his rock hard penis with nimble fingers, Thomas imagined they were piano player's fingers. The Duke was thrusting forcefully into Thomas causing him to cry out in pleasure.

"Shh my dear Thomas" the Duke whispered his chest pressed against the under butler's back.

Meanwhile downstairs Anna had just came down and seen Jimmy,

"The Duke's waiting for you I think"

"Oh ok" said Jimmy getting up and heading upstairs, he reached the duke's door and opened it, the sight that greeted him caused an aching in his heart, maybe he did love Thomas after all.

"Jimmy" exclaimed Thomas, as his eyes fell on the young man; he pushed the Duke off himself,

Jimmy ran off in an emotional state. Thomas began to dress himself, the Duke grabbed Thomas' hand in a bid to entice him back to bed,

"Don't you dare touch me" hissed Thomas. Isn't it enough that you broke my heart once? But to make me crawl beneath you, to make me your puppet... your whore once again! You knew Jimmy would be coming up here, you planned this on purpose, it's not enough that you've hurt me before but now you force the love of my life to witness us…doing that" he whispered shamefully. "I hate you" he stated.

"No you don't Thomas, you know you don't"

"Stay away from me" demanded Thomas, before grabbing his jacket and heading downstairs.

**Author's note: Review please :)**


	10. Wonderful Weather

**Author's note: Hope this chapter is okay, thank you for everyone who has reviewed, please continue :)**

Jimmy ran through the corridor, tears streaming down his face, he felt sick. He stormed up to his bedroom, slamming the door behind him and throwing himself down onto the bed. After all this time of wishing Thomas would stay away, he was now wanting the older man's love, the though of being needed by someone else but now Thomas didn't need him, hew was over him and clearly no longer loved him but loved the Duke instead. He sobbed deeply into his pillow wishing he had had the courage to let Thomas close when he had had the chance. Would it really have been so bad Thomas was a good man better than most Jimmy had known, he had loved Jimmy deeply and would do anything for him, he was also handsome.

"Lovely ebony hair, ivory skin and lips like rubies" whispered Jimmy through the darkness to himself. "But it's to late now" he though to himself. "You pushed him away, made him feel un-human, hurt him again and again and now he's hurt you which is what you deserve".

Thomas was also pacing rapidly to the servants quarters desperate to escape what had just happened,

"Poor Jimmy" Thomas mused before correcting himself "What am I saying poor Jimmy for? He didn't want me, his loss"

He decided he would try to talk to Jimmy tomorrow and went to bed for the night, clutching at the pillow, needing the warmth of another man, preferably Jimmy surrounding him.

The next day was quiet at Downton; the family had travelled to London for the week so there were just odd jobs needing doing. The extra free time was pleasant as the week was a good one weather wise.

"Mr Carson, could us lot go down to the forest today? It'll be nice to get some fresh air" asked Alfred in a hopeful tone,

"I don't see why not as long as you don't carry on like infants while your there" Carson replied,

"I'll accompany them Mr Carson to see that they don't" chipped in Bates, "Mr Barrow you can join me and Anna, we will take a picnic"

"Oooooh a picnic, how simply exquisite" mocked Alfred,

"Thank you Mr Bates that's very kind" replied Thomas,

"Alfred, keep your ignorant opinions to yourself or you will stay behind and polish silver" boomed Carson.

Alfred looked at the ground sheepishly, blushing at being scolded infront of his peers.

Not long after most of the servants bar Mrs Hughes, Mr Carson, Mrs Patmore and O'Brien, all went down to the forest Thomas strode on ahead, somewhat the leader of the pack, they reached the stream, that glistened beautifully in the sunshine,

"Will here do, Mr Bates?" asked Thomas,

"Perfectly" Bates responded. Thomas and Bates were never going to be bosom buddies by any means but they were both glad of the shared equal respect they paid to one another since the Thomas/Jimmy incident. Bates had been key to forcing O'Brien to keep schtum about it.

All the servants found a place on the grass where they could bask in the golden sun, Jimmy couldn't help but continuously glance in Thomas' direction, when he took of his suit jacket and was stood in his shirt and waistcoat looking good enough to eat, when he ran his hand through his hair to brush any imperfect strays from his steely gaze, Jimmy just could not take his eyes off him,

"He keeps looking at you" Bates said to Thomas,

"Who?"

"Jimmy" Bates said as Thomas sighed. Bates lay back onto the ground saying no more on the matter. It was a pleasant afternoon, Daisy, Ivy and Anna sat gossiping, Anna occasionally focusing her attention on some sewing, Bates and Thomas read whilst lolling in the sun, Jimmy, Alfred and some hall boys were gathered in a bunch, chatting and joking, Alfred gazed over at the stream, the water looked appealing,

"Come on lads" he said, whilst stripping down to his underwear which horrified Jimmy, seeing the pale ginger lank in all his semi naked glory as he edged himself into the water,

"Its lovely, come in" insisted Alfred, whilst a few hall boys jumped in,

"Go on then" said Jimmy, taking off his clothes, Thomas caught sight of this and blushed slightly which Bates couldn't help but notice,

"You should join them, Mr Barrow" Bates said kindly,

"I couldn't"  
"Of course, you could, I'll come in too if you're worried about it being awkward between you and James"  
"Nothing's awkward between me and James but ok then, I'll get in if you do"

Bates removed his clothes and went over to the water, sliding himself in slowly. Jimmy was watching from the stream whether Thomas would follow suit, he wasn't disappointed as Thomas began removing his clothes, revealing a beautifully toned ivory torso decorated with dense black hair down his navel and across his chest, Jimmy revelled in he beauty of the man that had held a torch for him for months. Thomas clambered slowly into the water, staying in the shallow end of the stream at all times,

"Can the faggot not swim?" jeered Alfred in a spiteful tone,

"Shut the fuck up Alfred" snapped Jimmy, as Thomas smiled sweetly in thanks to him,

"I agree Alfred, leave Mr Barrow be or I'll report you to Mr Carson" defended Bates,

Jimmy and Thomas couldn't take their eyes of each others naked torso's, both of them taking in each other's every detail and there attraction to each other was obvious between the two, Jimmy could help but appreciate the beauty of Thomas as he watched t the under butler, dampen his hair in the water and let it fall to either side of his face resting just above each cheekbone. Jimmy paddled over to Thomas,

"I'm sorry about what you saw last night Jimmy" apologized Thomas,

"You don't much like swimming then?" asked Jimmy awkwardly, avoiding Thomas apology.

Thomas nodded in understanding of Jimmy not wanting to talk about witnessing his and the Duke's relations the previous night,

"I can't swim, not much anyway"

Jimmy smirked a little but not in a spiteful manner,

"Mr Barrow, a man of your age" Jimmy tutted sarcastically,

"What do you mean a man of my age, you calling me old, boy?"

"Maybe" teased Jimmy, "I'll show you how to swim"

"Isn't it dangerous, what if I drown?"

"As if I'd ever let you drown"

"Maybe a couple of months ago you would have"  
"Never" said Jimmy sincerely.

Thomas smiled, Jimmy took hold of Thomas' forearms, rushes of desire running through both of their bodies, Jimmy guided Thomas' arms, directing them in which way to move and stroke,

Bates had got out of the water to sit with his wife,

"Get a load of the happy couple" he said jokingly to Anna,

"If only. Rather sweet together though aren't they" she replied,

"Certainly. What do you mean if only?"

"Well James is like Thomas and he likes Thomas, he just won't flaming tell him"

"Oh I don't know, I can see Mr Barrow's "happy ever after" coming soon enough and I hope I'm right"

"I hope so to" she said softly. They both gazed at Thomas and Jimmy, who although were only chatting and occasionally splashing each other in between Jimmy teaching Thomas to swim, they looked perfect together.

"Mr Barrow, can I come to your room tonight. I think we need to talk" said Jimmy realising he had entwined his fingers with Thomas' underneath the water. It felt good, he felt loved.

"I think that would be for the best" replied Thomas, staring lovingly into the young man's deep blue eyes.

**Review please :)**


	11. Holding You

**Author's Note: Hope you still think this story is alright, please carried on reading :)**

It was 12 o'clock at night; Jimmy was sat in his room, fidgeting nervously whilst planning out in his head what he was going to tell Thomas that night. Everything in his head sounded stupid, how could he go and tell Thomas he wanted him after all this time he'd pushed him away. But on the other hand he knew that Thomas would probably understand after all, they were holding hands that afternoon and Thomas seemed overjoyed. Jimmy went to his door, opening it slightly and looking out for any of the other servants on manoeuvres. With a second check for any snooping servants Jimmy crept across the corridor to Thomas' room, popping his head round the door to find Thomas sat on his bed twiddling his thumbs.

"Mr Barrow, I've came for that word" stated Jimmy,

"Yes, so I see" Thomas looked up and smiled. Jimmy closed the door and joined Thomas on the bed so they were side by side absorbing the warmth radiated by one another.

Jimmy gazed intently at Thomas, taking in his all handsome features,

"Do you still love me Mr Barrow?" he asked,

"Do you want me to James?" Thomas asked curiously.

"I think so" Jimmy murmured softly,

"Jimmy of course I still love you, I always will, I can't help but love you and I think even if I could help it I wouldn't stop"

I'm glad, I'm really glad because the truth is you make me feel…different…inside, you make me feel special, you make my heart race and you look at me like I'm the only thing that matters in the world to you"

"You are the only thing in the world that matters to me Jimmy"

"Can I kiss you?" asked Jimmy, leaning in closer towards Thomas' face, Thomas nodded in consent, Jimmy closed the small gap and pressed his lips to Thomas' in a chaste, delicate kiss. Thomas felt his heart flutter in delight.

"I'm not okay with this, I don't even know what this is Mr Barrow but its how I feel and I need you to help me through it"

"Of course, I'd be honoured to"

"I don't know what it is about you Thomas Barrow but you've got me all confused inside. I wish I accepted it but it's difficult"

"It's ok Jimmy, most men like us feel like that, we might be a little different but there's no need to be ashamed"

"No, I'm not like those men…I…it's just you…there hasn't been anyone, no women, no men, no-one that's ever made me feel the way you do. It's not like your one in a long list"

"I'm glad"

"What about you then? Have you been with many? I wouldn't be surprised"  
"Less than you might think actually boy" said Thomas raising an eyebrow at Jimmy jokingly, "there was George when I was 15, Antony when I was 18, the Duke of Crowborough when I was about your age and then…. Edward" Thomas finished as a tear welled in his eye.

"Was Edward your true love, Mr Barrow?" said Jimmy softly reaching out to hold Thomas' hands in his, relishing the softness.

"No, I don't think so, I did love him though"

"Then who was?"

"You. Jimmy, it will always be you"

Jimmy smiled and brought Thomas hands to his lips, caressing the skin softly, the glove on the bad hand was an obstacle and as Jimmy began to feel away the leathery material he felt Thomas flinch away,

"Don't" said Thomas, an ashamed look in his eyes,

"Please" said Jimmy, continuing to remove the glove. Once removed he inhaled sharply, "Oh my God, Thomas"

"Please Jimmy, don't look at it, I'm ashamed of myself"

"Don't be, your hand saved you"  
"How do you know?"  
"I just do" Jimmy kissed the lumpy scar "Thank you hand"

"What? You're mad, why are you thanking my hand"

"For saving you, you numpty" joked Jimmy,

Thomas smiled and pulled Jimmy close into a warm embrace, burying his head into the crook of Jimmy's neck,

"Jimmy you've no idea how long I've wanted to do this for"

"Do what?"

"Hold you" said Thomas, laying down on the bed and instructing Jimmy to rest his head onto Thomas' chest, Jimmy smiled and lay down his head listening to the thudding rhythmic heart beat of the beautiful man below him. Thomas pulled the covers over them both, stopping at Jimmy's neck.

"Good night Mr Barrow" said Jimmy sweetly,

Thomas kissed his golden locks and whispered into his ear,

"Good night James, sweet dreams"

**Review please :)**


	12. Waking Up

**Author's Note: Will progress to M very soon, next chapter I think.**

"Jimmy, wake up, it's half five, you need to go back to your own room" said Thomas softly. They had remained in the same position all night, dressed in their pyjamas, Jimmy's head resting on top of Thomas' chest.

Jimmy groaned in disappointment at the thought of leaving Thomas. They had spent their first night together in each others company and Jimmy had thoroughly loved the feeling of being enveloped by Thomas warmth and strong, muscular arms, feeling the older mans every heart beat and rise and fall of his chest as his breathed. He liked the way Thomas tousled his hair and kissed him tentatively on the forehead. In those few hours he had spent in Thomas' arms, he had felt more love and affection than ever before in his life.

"Thank you Thomas"

"What for?"

"Accepting me, the way I am, I hurt you but you have made the effort to understand me"

"Hey, don't dwell on the past, I've been there remember, I know what its like to be unsure of who you are"

"Promise to help me accept myself, Thomas"

"I promise my boy, now get yourself over to your room before someone notices you aren't in it"

Jimmy smiled sweetly at Thomas before scurrying to his own bed. Thomas flopped back down onto the bed smiling, so happy about last nights events.

Down at breakfast that morning Jimmy couldn't help staring at Thomas, giving him sweet smiles all through dinner. Jimmy cheekily threw a wink at Thomas, making Thomas smirk and bringing a healthy colour to his face,

"You look happy today Mr Barrow" said Mrs Hughes softly,

"I am happy Mrs Hughes"

"It must be love" snarked Miss O'Brien

"Well you wouldn't know would you Miss O'Brien seeing as no-one's ever asked you out" he retorted,

"Oh yes and you're quite the Lothario aren't you" a sour tone to her sarcastic quip.

"At least I'm not bitter and lonely like you"

"Who is she then? Is she fit?" asked Alfred naively,

"None of your business that's who. But yes" Thomas replied; now it was Jimmy's turn to blush.

"I will have no more of this at breakfast" boomed Carson. "As the family are away you will be assigned tasks by me as I will not stand for slacking. Alfred you will polish silver, Anna you can see that Lady Edith's and Lady Mary's clothes are in order, Miss O'Brien you can do the same with her Ladyships, James you and Mr Barrow will see to all the clocks, polishing and maintenance, Mr Barrow will keep you right" Carson continued listing peoples tasks, Jimmy and Thomas were both elated that their task was one to do together.

"Where to start?" said Jimmy, "There's hundreds of bloody clocks"

"Stop moaning, you get to spend the morning with me don't you" Thomas said smiling,

"I suppose. We could always start with the guest bedrooms; the Duke's room had a problematic clock"

"Ok" said Thomas,

They strolled along the corridor, side by side occasionally glancing across at each,

Thomas couldn't hide how pleased he was with the fact that Jimmy had feelings for him, Jimmy was beautiful, perfect even yet he was interested in Thomas, in Thomas' mind it didn't make sense

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	13. Feelings?

They reached the door of the guest bedroom, Thomas opened the door,

"After you" he said, acting the gentleman,

"Thank you Mr Barrow" smiled Jimmy, as Thomas gently closed the door behind them,

Jimmy sat on the edge of the ample sized bed, gesturing Thomas to sit with him, Thomas joined him and took Jimmy's hands in his own, Jimmy leant forward, gazing deeply into Thomas' slate blue eyes recognizing the love and lust inscripted in them, in many ways he felt terrible for wanting Thomas because he didn't think he loved Thomas even though the older man was madly in love with him but he knew he needed experience to establish to himself who and what he really was, to wash away any underlying doubts of him being a lady's man, he already knew that the thought of spending his whole life married to a woman sounded dreadful and didn't appeal to him at all but he had to be sure, maybe it was just the women of Downton that didn't do it for him however to have to lay beside a woman every night, a soft, curvaceous figure, delicate features, long flowing hair didn't sound half as appealing as spending it with a strong, muscular figure flecked with hair, a structured jaw line shadowed by stubble and a face of handsome features. He knew this was what he wanted a man's company, a man lay next to him, he realised he had probably known it for sometime and felt it only right to apologize for his actions,

"I have to tell you something Mr Barrow…err Thomas"

"What is it?" Thomas asked,

"I'm very sorry, truly I am. I know I hurt you when I said all those things you know…that time you kissed me and well I'm sorry because maybe I am like you after all"

"You don't need to apologize Jimmy, I was out of line, I wish it had ever happened"

"I don't"

"What?" exclaimed Thomas shocked but in quite a pleasant way,

"Well if you hadn't I wouldn't ever have known how you felt and I wouldn't have known it was possible for me to explore this sort of…thing. I was never angry at you for kissing me, I was just angry that it was while I was sleeping"

"I understand that and believe me I will never forgive myself"

"You should, I have…forgiven you that is"

"Thank you Jimmy. Can I kiss you now then?"

"I think that would be best" replied Jimmy as Thomas leant in to kiss him, their lips brushed delicately before the kiss grew hungrier, it was Jimmy who took the leading role which surprised Thomas, Jimmy grazed his teeth against Thomas lips and then prodded his tongue at the pouted lips forcing Thomas' willing mouth to open wider allowing their tongues to snake around each other, the fireworks running through Jimmy's body were intense and magical, it was like no passion he had felt before, Thomas stroked at the back of Jimmy's neck tenderly, the experience had sent a rush or blood down to his trousers which Thomas swiftly picked up on,

"Can I touch you Jimmy?" said Thomas moving his hands to Jimmy's waist, Jimmy nodded in consent, Thomas lowered his hands brushing against the clothed erection, making Jimmy gasp,

"Touch me properly Thomas. Please" demanded Jimmy,

Thomas obliged, sliding his soft hand down the front of Jimmy's trousers,

"Mmm" moaned Jimmy,

"Jimmy I'm going to do something with my mouth, don't worry you'll like it, trust me"

Jimmy nodded as Thomas began undoing the young mans trousers and gliding them softly down his well turned legs, Thomas moved to kneel on the floor, placing his head between Jimmy's legs, kissing his way seductively up the young mans muscular thighs making Jimmy's breaths quicken, Thomas took Jimmy's penis in one hand and held onto his waist with the over, before covering the tip of Jimmy's length with his warm, moist mouth,

"Mmmmmph" groaned Jimmy, rolling his eyes back in pleasure

Thomas continued to pleasure Jimmy, flicking his tongue over the tip causing Jimmy to pant in satisfied moans above him, he trailed his tongue against Jimmy length, sucking hungrily but lovingly,

Jimmy called out "oh God"

Thomas reached a hand up to Jimmy mouth and pressed a finger to his lips in a gesture to "shhhh", Jimmy took hold of the hand and kissed against it to try to suppress the loud noise of his obvious enjoyment. Thomas could see the muscles of Jimmy's thighs twitching, his head slightly lowered, groaning in delight,

"Thomas I'm going to…" he said in muffled tones. Jimmy exploded into Thomas mouth, throwing his head back as he did so, Thomas swallowing the warm salty liquid contently. H removed his mouth form Jimmy's penis and kissed Jimmy on the forehead,

"Thank you Thomas" said Jimmy, burying his head in the crook of Thomas' neck,

"You're very welcome. How was it?"

"The best thing I've ever felt" he said, still catching his breath

"I'm glad" smiled Thomas, "Well then we better get out of here, find some clocks to go fix"

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	14. The Most Wonderful Man In The World

They left the bedroom and went to find a clock that was actually broken, strolling side by side down the endless corridors, a silence between them as if the situation felt awkward, eventually reaching the library, Jimmy walked up to the clock,

"It just needs winding" he stated confidentially,

"Quite the expert now, aren't you?" Thomas replied in mock tones,

"Well I had a good teacher, didn't I" answered Jimmy, referring to Thomas' endless knowledge of clocks,

Thomas smiled, blushing slightly in response,

"You know I remember when I first came here, you taught me how to do the clocks, you were a bit over familiar, but…" said Jimmy,

"I'm sorry Jimmy, I was wrong" interrupted Thomas,

"No don't be sorry, perhaps you could teach me some other useful things in the future, you never know when I might need them" Jimmy suggested flirtatiously,

"I'd be delighted too" said Thomas,

"Good, I'm glad that we moved on from our fall out Thomas" said Jimmy kindly,

"Me too" Thomas smiled quizzically at the handsome first footman,

"I have to tell you this Thomas, that time…when I saw you and the Duke…well I want you to know that you never have to go to him again for "that" or anyone else for that matter" Jimmy said quietly,

"Why's that?" Thomas asked softly, even though he knew the answer already,

"Well because you can…have me. I'm not saying we're lovers or anything like that…I'm just finding my feet with this…with who I am…but in time"

"I understand Jimmy, you don't have to say anymore I understand" replied Thomas, happy that Jimmy had more or less said that one day they could be together in that way,

"Not yet mind Thomas, I need us to get to know each other a lot better than we already do, I need that trust to be there"

"Jimmy, I've just sucked you off. Do you think I do that with every bloke I thinks pretty?" Thomas questioned, feeling a little insulted that Jimmy didn't already trust him,

"Keep your voice down, do you want everyone to know what's just gone on?" said Jimmy, worried about passing ears out on the corridor, gleaning information from their conversation,

Mr Carson burst through the library doors,

"Ah there you are what has taken you so long? I wasn't aware that all of the clocks in the house had broken" he questioned with a cynical eyebrow raised

"There was a temperamental co...clock in one of the guest bedrooms, its fixed now" replied Thomas, his face its usual picture of confidence and ease, Jimmy smirked at the nearly fatal slip up in his sentence,

"James, is something funny?" asked Mr Carson,

"No Mr Carson, my stomach just rumbled and the noise made me laugh" he said, which was obviously made up and sounded ridiculous even to himself,

"Indeed" replied Carson, "Well perhaps you should have a heartier breakfast in future James" he said in his deep sarcastic tone,

Jimmy nodded, as Mr Carson left,

"I'm sorry Thomas, that isn't what I meant and you know it"

"Yeah I know" replied Thomas, ruffling Jimmy's soft wavy locks," Lets head downstairs shall we, best get some food for that grumbling stomach of yours" smirked Thomas.

"Thomas, you know what I said before…about the trust not being there yet, well I don't think that's what I meant, I only meant that this is a huge thing for me and for me to even have kissed you is a massive step forward"

"It's ok Jimmy, I've been there, I know what it's like. I'm not expecting you to do anything like that yet. I love you, I would wait forever"

"I'm not asking for forever, just enough time for me to figure out things, ok" Jimmy whispered softly, placing a soft kiss to Thomas' jaw line and sending love throughout the older man's body,

"Come on then aye before I can't resist you, it's not really the time or the place" joked Thomas,

Jimmy laughed pondering the thought of The Dowager Countess, marching through the door whilst they were all over each other, it was what Jimmy wanted inside, really wanted, he wanted to show Thomas how he felt, he wanted Thomas to feel how he had felt when Thomas was pleasuring him but for now that stuff would have to wait until he got his head clear even though he had let Thomas touch him, he still didn't feel 100% comfortable with having to do it to Thomas, he didn't like the fact he was one of those "disgusting men" that his uncle had always harped on about, even though he could see from knowing Thomas that there was no shame in being a man with those preferences however to be the man that Thomas deserved he would have to come to terms with who he was and accept himself a little better, he fully knew Thomas would understand and give him all the time he needed because the thing was that Thomas Barrow was madly in love with Jimmy and would give him all the time in the world if he had to.

That night he snuck across the corridor to Thomas' room and slipped under the duvet and curled up beside him, Thomas was elated at Jimmy coming to stay the night and wrapped his arms round Jimmy holding him tight, their bodies emitting heat and warming them both through, Thomas kissed the top of Jimmy's head,

"Night sleepyhead" he whispered lovingly, and that was when Jimmy knew he had the love of the most wonderful man in the world.


	15. I Need You

Jimmy's feelings towards Thomas confused him and in many ways frightened him. As far as he was aware he had never felt like that towards men before in his life, he always recognised himself as a bit of a ladies man, to Jimmy women were one of the most beautiful things in the world: some of them were small and petite, others were strong and sexy. He had always loved the full kissable lips, sculpted cheekbones and smouldering eyes of beautiful women and as he gazed across the table of the servants hall at Thomas, he realised maybe Thomas wasn't so different to those things he found attractive. Maybe he was waiting to give himself to Thomas when he knew what he wanted was sat right in front of him. Thomas caught him staring and flashed him a rare genuine smile that made his eyes twinkle, Jimmy returned the smile before leaving the servants hall. Jimmy couldn't wait till later on when he could lay claim to those rosy kissable lips.

Thomas was left alone in the servant's hall with O'Brien, who had picked up on the smiles between the two men,

"Funny how you two have become friends all of a sudden" she said, a snarky tone in her voice,

"Meaning?" questioned Thomas,

"Well we all know you had a big fall out, I just think its funny is all" O'Brien continued,

"I don't think so" said Thomas,

"I do, maybe Jimmy's seen how in you are with his Lordship, maybe he thinks being nice to you will get him a promotion to valet or something" she said, trying to stir trouble,

Thomas felt gutted, maybe she was right and maybe Jimmy had just been using him,

"Anyway I best be going, her Ladyship will need seeing for the night" said O'Brien before she strolled out the room, a satisfied smirk across her thin lips. Thomas stormed upstairs to his room and wrote a short note,

"Come to my room tonight, we need to talk, T"

He folded up the note, went into Jimmy's room and placed it on top of the footman's pillow before going back over to his own room and getting changed for bed.

Not long after Jimmy made his way upstairs and found the note on his pillow. He decided it would be best to wait till the others had gone to bed, so went down to the servants hall and read the paper. As he watched all the other servants make their way to bed, Jimmy decided to follow; he got change into his pyjamas and then went across to Thomas' room. He opened the door to find Thomas sat up in bed, wide awake reading a book.

"Hello Thomas, I got your note" said Jimmy, closing the door quietly behind him,

"So I see" replied Thomas,

"What do you want to talk to me about?" said Jimmy anxiously, he could sense Thomas wasn't in the best of moods and was worried,

"I don't know how to ask this but I'm just going to say it. Have you been using me to get yourself a promotion to a valet?" asked Thomas bluntly,

Jimmy was stunned so reacted in the best way he knew; sarcastically,

"Oh yes, because I'd rather put a Lord's clothes on than take yours off. How can you think that?"

Thomas was relieved, "Well it was just something O'Brien said. And are you saying you would like to take my clothes off" Thomas asked hopefully,

"You know what happened last time you listened to that vile woman. And yes I think that is what I'm saying" replied Jimmy, with a glint in his eye, "I've been waiting for someone else Thomas but I'm not sure what for because you're the man who shows me more love than anyone ever has before, your handsome and strong and lovely and I'm sorry I haven't let you have me sooner, but I ready for this now Thomas, for you"

"Oh Jimmy, you have no idea how long I've wanted you to say those words"

"I'm not okay with this, with who I am but I know that I need you Thomas Barrow, I really do"

Jimmy stepped close to Thomas and wrapped his arms round his neck before meshing their lips together softly but passionately. Thomas slid his hands down to Jimmy's waist and placed them lovingly at the small of his back. Jimmy allowed his hands to slide down the front of Thomas' pyjama bottoms; Thomas made a grab for Jimmy's hands in an attempt to pull them from his trousers,

"You don't have to do that Jimmy; I know you're not comfortable with it"

"Don't be silly Thomas, I want to" said Jimmy, replacing his hands down Thomas' trousers, his fingers tracing along Thomas' semi hard shaft, "best take these off" Jimmy suggested to Thomas with a glint in his eyes, Jimmy slid Thomas' trousers down revealed Thomas' hard penis, he lowered himself down to a kneeling position and began to flick at the tip of Thomas' cock eliciting soft moans from the under butler, Jimmy took Thomas in his mouth and began to suck fervently, his tongue sliding slickly along Thomas' shaft, Thomas flung his head back and began to breathe deeply. Jimmy picked up the pace and it wasn't log before Thomas came into Jimmy's mouth. The warm salty liquid gliding smoothly down his throat. He placed a soft kiss on the tip of Thomas' penis before standing up to kiss him properly. They joined their mouths and their tongues entwined,

"Thank you Jimmy, thank you" said Thomas still catching his breath, he held Jimmy close. He then began to unbutton Jimmy's pyjama top, letting it fall to the ground revealing his muscular, golden, hairless chest, Thomas gazed at it wondrously whilst Jimmy pulled Thomas' undershirt over his head revealing an equally beautiful sight if pale skin flecked with dark hair on a strong manly chest, Thomas took Jimmy by thy hand and led him over to the narrow single bed in the corner and signalled for him to lie down, Thomas then lay down beside him and reached his hand into Jimmy's trouser bottoms and began to tentatively stroke the young mans solid penis with his nimble fingers, Jimmies eyes rolled in pleasure,

"Oh Thomas" he moaned.

Thomas's hand circled around Jimmy's shaft and he began to pump rhythmically, not long after Jimmy came into Thomas' hand, which Thomas devoured, enjoying the taste of Jimmy's substance. Jimmy rolled closer to Thomas and lay his head on the order's man's chest, closing his eyes and breathing deeply, Thomas kissed his button nose and stroked his soft golden hair, and they lay silently like this until Thomas said softly "I do love you Jimmy" but the handsome footmen had already dozed off into a slumber feeling safe in his lover's arms.

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	16. Not According To Plan

Through the night Jimmy woke up and scurried across the corridor to his own bedroom and fell asleep proud of himself for being able to overcome his demons and progress in his relationship with Thomas. He felt as though he had made Thomas feel more equal by pleasuring him as Thomas had already done to him. Although his uncle and other people in his life had always convinced him that men that loved men were unnatural and sick, he now realised that there was nothing unnatural at all about Thomas' love for him, it was pure and sweet and Thomas treated him like no-one else mattered.

That morning as the family were still away for the week having took Bates, Anna and in case it was necessary they had taken Alfred to help with the extra serving at mealtimes which had infuriated Jimmy, however Thomas assured him it was probably to help Alfred gain experience as he was not as professional as Jimmy which cheered Jimmy up no end. What didn't cheer him up no end however was the fact that Mr Carson was on a mission to get the house in to top condition while the family were away,

"Might we be able to have a bit of a break today Mr Carson? We've worked hard all week" asked Jimmy, hopefulness in his youthful voice, Thomas smiled across at him,

"I don't understand, has someone forgotten to pay your wages" demanded the butler,

"No"

"Exactly, so there will be no break. James you can polish silver today" ordered Carson

Jimmy nodded before getting up to leave. Thomas went up to his room for a while; it was his half day anyway so he didn't have anything to do. He read for about half an hour before heading downstairs, he decided to go and see Jimmy; although he wasn't dressed in his livery he didn't think it would matter to polish silver. He knocked lightly on the door of the pantry,

"Come in" came Jimmy's voice as Thomas opened the door, Jimmy looked pleasantly surprised,

"Thomas, what are you doing here?" he asked softly, a slightly sulky expression on his face

"You don't look happy" Thomas stated.

"It's alright for you; it's your half day"

"Well I'll help you, you look like you could do with a hand" said Thomas gesturing towards the table full of unpolished silver,

"I can't let you do that, you hardly get any time off" replied Jimmy,

"You can and you will, besides I'd rather spend time with you than on my own" Thomas said lovingly,

Jimmy blushed, "Why are you so nice to me?" he asked,

"You know why Jimmy, I love you" Thomas replied simply,

"I know but I don't treat you half as well as you treat me"

"I'm happy if you're happy" Thomas said honestly, "Are you happy Jimmy?"

"Yes this is exactly what I've always dreamed of…polishing silver with my gay lover" Jimmy replied sarcastically and jovially,

"No really, do I make you happy?" Thomas asked trying to bring back a more serious tone to their conversation,

"This…I never pictured this…I didn't think men could be together in the way that...we are, but I think I'm okay with it now" replied Jimmy, smiling at Thomas,

"I'm glad"

"You see, when we first kissed properly…with each other's consent I mean…well the thing is I was kind of using you to find my true self but it didn't go according to plan and the truth is Thomas Barrow, you're the only man that I feel this way about, I've tried to look upon others the way I see you but I can't and I think I might have fallen in love with you"

"Bloody hell Jimmy, it's took you long enough"

"I've never been sure of who I am but the thing I'm sure of now is that I love you…so much"

Thomas' heart swelled in his chest, beating 10 to the dozen,

"I'm sorry that we haven't you know…done it yet…properly I mean" said Jimmy,

"Don't apologise Jimmy, there's no rush, I'd wait forever"

"I'm not asking for forever" replied Jimmy, lacing with fingers with Thomas'.

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	17. Glad To Hear It

After a few weeks the family returned to Downton and the house returned to its usual lively workplace, with staff rushing around constantly and barely getting time to them selves. In consequence Jimmy and Thomas had found themselves to tired to consummate their relationship however there relationship was unaffected by this. Thomas found himself thinking less about sex than he had with any other lover before, for the basic reason that he didn't just see Jimmy as a lover but as a partner and soul mate, he realised there were other more important aspects to the relationship other than sex.

Previously on a night after a hard days graft Thomas and Jimmy would usually stay sat in the servants hall to the late hours, chatting, smoking, laughing and joking but recently most nights Thomas would head upstairs first and get into bed, Jimmy would follow later and they would cuddle up together in Thomas' narrow bed discussing their day, sometimes Thomas would even read to Jimmy until he fell asleep, he found this childish but very endearing.

It had been a long day and Jimmy's feet ached painfully from all the running around he'd done that day, he entered Thomas' bedroom,

"Evening handsome" said Thomas tenderly, a rare cheerful smile lighting up his beautiful face whilst he sat on his bed,

Jimmy winked at him and headed over to his bed, planted a chaste loving kiss on his full lips then sat on the edge of the bed and removed his black shiny shoes,

"Jesus Thommy, me feet are killing" he exclaimed,

"We can't have that" said Thomas, "Do you want a massage?"

"Would you Thommy?"

"Thommy and Jimmy aye, I always said we were quite a pair. Lie your feet here then love" said Thomas, Jimmy smiling at the love Thomas showed him, he now saw that Alfred had been so wrong about Thomas, he wasn't disgusting or dirty, he was just in love with Jimmy and now Jimmy was in love with him. There wasn't anything wrong in the way they were, how could it be wrong to love somebody? He knew from the start that Thomas was a good man, but since they started their relationship Jimmy realised that Thomas was an even better man than he'd thought; Thomas had been extremely patient with Jimmy and hadn't pressured him in the slightest to do anything because he was hopelessly in love with Jimmy and Jimmy had never had such profound love shown to him before.

Thomas rubbed gently at Jimmy's feet, pressing harder at all the places Jimmy felt pain and running his soft thumbs against Jimmy's bare foot. The massage felt heavenly, he couldn't believe Thomas could just sit happily taking care of him in this way when most others men or women would have got bored of him and his unwillingness to put out by now. Jimmy looked up at Thomas whose face was a picture of concentration; he smiled at Thomas, who didn't notice,

"I love you, you know?" he said,

Thomas looked up grinned "Glad to hear it"

He removed his hands from Jimmy's feet and placed them either side of his face pulling him into a passionate kiss as their tongues found each other and snaked around in the others mouth. They then cuddled in together, the thick duvet up to their neck, Thomas' long, strong arms round Jimmy's muscular waist, Jimmy's hands on the small of Thomas' back and his head resting on Thomas' glorious chest, Thomas read to the young footman who after 10 minutes if listening to Thomas' beautiful voice began to drift off,

"Jimmy don't go to sleep darling, you need to be heading to your own room, we don't want to get caught" suggested Thomas sensibly,

Jimmy reluctantly pulled himself from Thomas chest, kissing him softly on the mouth as he began to leave,

"Oh and James, I love you too" smiled Thomas at the beautiful footman who beamed back, his blue eyes twinkling in the glowing light of Thomas' room.

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	18. Thoughts

When he headed to bed that night, Jimmy contemplated the future of his and Thomas' relationship, knowing that t would soon have to progress to new levels and that in actual fact he was feeling a lot more prepared for those levels than he had a few weeks previous. He knew it was time he told Thomas he was willing to try more adventurous things in the bedroom but he hadn't yet had the opportunity. He fell asleep, wondering what sex with Thomas would be like, if it would be better than with a woman, if they would simply fuck or properly make love to one another, how good he would be, the images that ran through his mind excited him but he also knew that Thomas would take things slow as he had always been understanding and not pressured Jimmy in the slightest.

Thomas also lay awake pondering similar thoughts, he knew that Jimmy was probably nervous about any upcoming sexual encounters between them as he had been there himself, he knew how difficult it was to accept who he was at first and found it hard to embrace something that everyone else believed to be foul and repulsive, he remembered as a teenager other peoples opinions on "that sort" made him question his self and his importance to anyone else. Aside from the emotional torment there was of course the physical pain, Thomas didn't want to hurt Jimmy as he knew the pain from his first ever intercourse which was with a young lad from the village, he remembered the pain that stung like a bitch, subconsciously touching his bottom as he flash backed. The worst worry of all to Thomas was that Jimmy might rush himself and then regret the ordeal afterwards and not want to be with Thomas anymore, something which Thomas would not be able to deal with. He had been hurt romantically so many times before, the lad from when he was young left him, the Duke had treated him like shit and not loved him back, Pamuk had rejected him, Edward had killed himself and Jimmy had knocked him back at least 3 times.

The next day Jimmy couldn't help but gaze at Thomas lustfully, imagining all the things they could eventually do together and blushing at the thought. Over breakfast Thomas caught Jimmy staring at him like a ravenous animal that could devour him over the table, there and then, Jimmy blushed when he realised Thomas had noticed the staring and increased the risk factor of their already very risky secret relationship by stroking Thomas knee under the table, causing the under butler who was drinking his tea, to choke slightly on a mouthful, Jimmy smirked across at Thomas, just thankful that he had selected the correct persons leg and not accidently started stroking Mr Bates crippled leg, as he sat in the chair next to Thomas. Thomas smiled back at Jimmy and then took his attention back to his breakfast.

Throughout the day Jimmy longed to speak to Thomas but couldn't find the opportunity, due to Mr Carson being very demanding that particular day and having Jimmy and Alfred polish silver on top of all their other duties and having Thomas do whatever it is under butlers do as well as going through the wine cellar to see everything was in order, ironic considering once upon a time it was Thomas causing the wine cellar to not be as it should be.

When they eventually finished work for the day and the majority of the others had headed to bed, Jimmy went to join Thomas who was sat in the servants hall the newspaper folded up in front of him obviously having just been read, a steaming hot cup of the on the table and a cigarette in his gloved hand. Jimmy couldn't help but notice how sexy Thomas was particularly when he smoked. Jimmy sat down beside him and reached for his good hand which was hanging down loosely by his side,

"Hello handsome" he whispered softly, in case of any eavesdroppers,

"I'm fine darling. How about you?" replied Thomas in an equally quiet voice, squeezing Jimmy's hand as he spoke,

"I'm fine too. Thomas can we talk?" asked Jimmy in a hopeful tone,

"We just were" replied Thomas unenthusiastically,

"No, properly I mean"

"Sorry Jimmy but I'm really tired, I'm going to head to bed, maybe you should do the same eh, you need you're beauty sleep" offered Thomas, who truthfully did look worn out, his hair beginning to hang down at the sides which Jimmy found made Thomas look even more handsome, his eyes slightly bagged and drowsy. He kissed Jimmy's hand discretely before walking towards the stairs. Jimmy was disappointed as he watched Thomas' handsome retreating figure but his heart fluttered when Thomas turned round as he started to climb the stairs and winked at Jimmy and lovingly blew him a kiss, Jimmy beamed and returned the air kiss. He went to bed not long after and dreamed happy thoughts of him and Thomas and the future.

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	19. Morning Visit

In the morning Jimmy awoke very early at only 2 o'clock in a cheerful mood from the previous nights pleasant dreams, he found himself hoping madly so that Thomas spent his evenings dreaming of him as he lay in bed. He stepped out of bed and made his way across his room, a slight skip to his walk; he was still in his pyjamas and left his hair natural. He made his way across the corridor stopping at his sexy, older lovers door before opening it softly without making a noise, he saw Thomas asleep on his front, his face turned to face the door, a peaceful and serene expression spread across his handsome face, he looked beautiful and in that moment Jimmy found himself flashing back to the first time Thomas' lips had touched his own and in that moment he understood why Thomas had done it at the time if Jimmy had looked even half as beautiful as Thomas did right this moment. Jimmy tiptoed across the room slowly, before kneeling down softly by Thomas' bedside. He watched Thomas' nostrils flare slightly as he breathed in and out, he took in every detail of Thomas' roguish appearance, his skin that was almost as pale as the crisp white shirt of his livery and always flawless, his thick jet black hanging over the temples of his head softly, free from its usual ton of pomade, Jimmy preferred Thomas' hair natural as it gave him a much more youthful appearance, his jaw area had a slight dark colouring indicating that Thomas hadn't yet shaved, his eyes softly shut Jimmy saw how long Thomas' dark eyelashes' were, Jimmy couldn't help but run his thumb gently over one of Thomas' high jutting cheekbones, his lips were slightly parted in sleep and their usual scarlet tone, they looked so full and kissable, Thomas was so beautiful that Jimmy couldn't believe he had made Thomas wait so long until he had admitted his feelings to him, he also couldn't believe how amazing Thomas had been to him through everything, he was such a good man and Jimmy couldn't help but feel guilty about the times when he had treated the under butler badly.

Thomas began to make snuffling noises suggesting he was about to wake and he did, stretching his arms out above his head as he slowly opened his eyes, revealing surprise at the sight of Jimmy,

"What are you doing in here?" asked Thomas, a tired half smile forming,

"Was missing you" admitted Jimmy,

"Aww you soppy bugger" teased Thomas,

"You look so beautiful while you sleep Thomas" Jimmy confessed, the sight of Thomas looking so stunning had caused Jimmy to get an erection that Thomas hadn't yet noticed,

"What you saying I look awful awake?" said Thomas, winding Jimmy up,

"Of course not" said Jimmy, pressing a kiss to the tip of Thomas' nose,

Thomas smiled and held his hand out to Jimmy and pulled back the covers to allow the young lad in beside him, Jimmy curled up to Thomas and laid his head on his chest, his hard on pressing gently against Thomas' leg , his mouth close to Thomas' ear he whispered, "Thomas I want you to…fuck me"

"Bloody hell Jimmy, you're not backward in coming forward are you" said Thomas, a slight laugh to his voice, Thomas found Jimmy's bluntness very much a turn on and had began to grow hard at the young mans suggestion,

"It wasn't meant to come out like that, I just don't really know a romantic word to describe it" confessed Jimmy, feeling embarrassed at his own crudeness he blushed,

"Aww you're blushing" teased Thomas,

"Don't Thomas, I'm embarrassed" said Jimmy, blushing an even darker shade of red,  
"Don't be. Are you sure that you want to?" asked Thomas trying to make sure that Jimmy was sure about this,

"I'm sure. Does it hurt though Thomas?"

"It does yeah but I promise I'll be careful and if you want to stop at any time you only have to say and we can stop straight away. Ok?" said Thomas honestly,

"I know you will, I trust you"

"That's good to know, I'll just get some oil" said Thomas,

"What for?" said Jimmy, naïve of the details of homosexual intercourse,

"To make it more enjoyable and less painful" explained Thomas, heaving himself out of bed to go to his bureau and find the oil, he searched for a while,

"You not been getting it regular then?" teased Jimmy,

"I don't think so, you're my first in years, it's been so long" said Thomas, as he finally produced a small vial of oil,

"You're my first" said Jimmy, "man of course"

"Of course" smiled Thomas, as he climbed atop of a still fully clothed Jimmy, he bent his head down and kissed his softly on the mouth, Jimmy reached up to Thomas shirt and began to work it off as Thomas' slender fingers worked open the fiddly buttons of Jimmy's pyjama shirt. As Jimmy pulled off Thomas' shirt, he was once again mesmerized by the sight of Thomas chest that resembled a marble statue of a Greek god. Their hardons rubbing together through their pyjama bottoms,

"I think its best we take our trousers off Thomas" said Jimmy,

"Good idea" smiled Thomas, pulling off Jimmy's trousers and revealing his erect penis and then removing his own to let his now rock hard member spring free, Jimmy gasped at the sight,

"Shit, how will it fit? It's massive" asked Jimmy, concern etched on his face,

"Don't worry, it just does. We don't have to do this Jimmy" said Thomas, beginning to panic at Jimmy's worry,  
"No please I want to" reassured Jimmy, Thomas nodded and began to rub oil all over the length of his penis, he then began to instruct Jimmy to hook his legs over Thomas' shoulders before oiling up Jimmy's entrance. Jimmy winced as Thomas began to insert a finger but then moaned as Thomas hit his sweet spot, Thomas added another finger and was delighted as Jimmy's face was a portrait of pleasure, he moved his fingers round slightly, Jimmy gasped,

"Thomas, I want you inside me" panted Jimmy,

Thomas shifted his hips closer to Jimmy's entrance and inserted the tip of his cock into Jimmy, Jimmy gasped, Thomas edged more of himself in very slowly, Jimmy winced,

"Fuck"

"I'm so sorry Jimmy, are you alright love?"

"Yeah, it's just…I didn't release it would sting so"

"I'm sorry Jimmy, do you want to stop?"

"Hey it's not your fault, and no just keep going, the worst will be over soon right?"

"Yeah, I swear to you it gets better" reassured Thomas, as he slowly pushed the rest of himself in,

"Oh Thomas" moaned Jimmy, throwing his head back against the pillow, Thomas kept still to allow Jimmy to become accustomed to his rather large size,

"You alright?" asked Thomas concernedly,

"Yeah, move" instructed Jimmy,

Thomas did as instructed and began to gyrate his hips, causing Jimmy to buck his hips, Thomas teased them back down and began to thrust, knowing that Jimmy was also achingly hard, Thomas took Jimmy in hand and began to pump up and down on his cock as he trusted into him vigorously, eliciting passionate moans from Jimmy who was in ecstasy and had never felt anything so good before in his life. Thomas moved his hand to Jimmy's mouth and whispered "sssshhh" conscious of the fact that they might wake the other servants.

"AAAHHH Thomas, I love you" said Jimmy as he came into Thomas palm, Thomas knew he wouldn't last long as it was his first time,

"Oh Jimmy" panted Thomas, "Do you really?"

"I do, I'm sorry I never said earlier"

"I love you too" said Thomas through gasped breaths as he came into Jimmy, he kissed Jimmy passionately on the mouth as he pulled out.

He collapsed on top of Jimmy and lay with his head on Jimmy's chest, which was heaving,

"Wasn't so bad in the end was it?" asked Thomas hopefully,

"It was beautiful; it was the most special moment of m life"

"Mine too" replied Thomas, his heart overjoyed that Jimmy had enjoyed it so much

"It was the best sex I've ever had as well, it was like we were so connected but with anyone else it has just always been a meaningless fuck"

"Surely there must have been someone?"  
"No nobody, you're my first love and hopefully my last" said Jimmy honestly, Thomas heart swelled in his chest and his eyes filled with tears, that began to trickle out onto Jimmy's chest,

"Thomas, what's the matter? Why are you crying?" asked Jimmy sympathetically,

"It's just…no one's ever told me they loved me before" said Thomas, sniffling against Jimmy' chest,

"Well I do and I always will" promised Jimmy as he kissed Thomas hair. They fell into a light sleep soon after knowing that they would have to wake very soon anyway for work. Thomas couldn't remember ever feeling so good about himself as he felt now and he saw that Jimmy really did love him and felt slightly guilty for once thinking that Jimmy might've regretted having sex with Thomas, but he fell asleep feeling safe in Jimmy's strong tanned arms, smiling slightly against his toned chest.

**It's been ages since I updated this, hope it was alright, review please :)**


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